What Radical Husbands Do by Regi Campbell
12 Steps to Win and Keep Your Wife's Heart
1. Decide and Tell Her
You must start by deciding that you are all in, that you will "die on this hill." Half-in, mostly-in, kinda-in, will not sustain you through the self-sacrifice that it takes to make a marriage really work.
2. Burn the Ships
Cut off every escape route. Every real one, every imagined one. Relentlessly search out the places you retreat to and ruthlessly eliminate them. Revisit this occasionally to ensure that you're not planning an escape, even subconsciously.
3. Drop Your Expectations
Don't expect your wife to change. In any way. She can change. She very well might change. She might even change for the worse. But you can't make it happen. So stop trying to make it happen. Stop even hoping for it.
4. Love What She Loves
Live by "if it's important to you, it's important to me." Whatever she cares about, devotes time and energy to, learn about it, ask about it, figure out how to love it, too. No faking. You don't have to love it in the same way she does, but you need to exert yourself and extend yourself.
What does Elizabeth love?
- Chocolate: Hot chocolate, dark chocolate, chocolate on strawberries. All kinds of chocolate.
- Helping friends and family: Being there for people when they are struggling. Helping them practically and giving them someone to talk to.
- Birth and pregnancy: Helping women who are pregnant. "Being with" during the birth process. Counseling women through pregnancy and birth.
- Cute and comfortable clothes: Rich textures. Colors that match her palette. Clothes that match the season.
- Dancing: Salsa and Latin dancing, in particular.
- Spanish, the language: The richness of the language. The poetic nature. Savoring the music and the way it makes her feel.
- 6/8 time: Her favorite time signature.
- Flowers: The smell, the colors, and the shapes. Fresh cut on the dining room table. Daffodils are her favorite.
- Travel: Exploring new places, returning to her favorite places, experiencing new cultures, visiting friends in their homes.
- The Outdoors: Hiking along a lake, enjoying a sunset, canoeing down a river, taking in a magnificent mountain range, walking downtown or to the park from our house.
- Games: Board games, word games, puzzles. Playing games with friends.
- Treats: Stickboy Bakery cookies and scones, a new chocolate bar, sweet potato biscuits, figgy chai muffins.
- Sleeping in: Getting just a little more time in the morning. Not being woken up, but getting to wake up slowly. A hot drink first thing in the morning.
- Good interior design: Colors, textures, furniture, art that all work together to give a good feeling for a space.
- Old Mercedes convertibles: Carolina blue.
5. Create an Environment of Acceptance
Do everything to let her know that she's accepted exactly as she is, without one reservation. Not just accepted, but totally loved, admired, wanted. Not just loved, but lovely.
6. Learn to Listen
Focused listening is a skill that takes years to develop. And it's a gift that we can give only once we've developed the skill. You must work to develop this skill and give this gift to your wife. Otherwise, you'll never get too far in having a great marriage– you'll never really know her if you don't learn to listen deeply.
7. Give Up Sex
Reconcile yourself to never having sex again. Never. Again. If you can do that, each moment of intimacy can be received as a gift. It can be enjoyed without criticism, without comparison, without thoughts of recreating it. Give it up freely, and then you can receive it freely.
8. Learn to Lose
Be the first to surrender. "The only Godly race in marriage is the race to the foot of the cross." Be first to go to God, to ask forgiveness, to take up your cross, to pray and to give up. In marriage, winning arguments are always pyrrhic victories, winning a battle but losing the war.
9. Set Her Free
Empower your wife to make her own choices about how to use her time and (some of) your money. Let her know that she has your support. Encourage her to follow her heart, to explore, to step out for her own sake. Make it easy for her to experience freedom.
10. Think Long-Term
One day, you will be old. If you are fortunate, your life will live to see old age with you, your children will grow, marry, have children of their own. One day, you may be seated at a dinner table with your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Do whatever it takes for that to be a happy scene.
11. Stop Talking and Do Something
Most improvement in marriage comes not through conversation or "talking it out" but by changing your own behavior, by washing the dishes, by turning off the television, getting off the couch, by seeking out the other person, considering their wishes and just doing it.
12. Give Up
You can't do it alone. You're going to need help. Supernatural help. Unless you are empowered by the Holy Spirit, commandments like "love your wife and give yourself up for her" are impossible. God alone can bring you to a point of loving self-sacrificially. So stop trying to do it without Him.