Talking to Your Kids About Sex by Mark Laaser
Net-out by Jess Martin
Five Dimensions of Healthy Sexuality
- Physical - (eros) "Sexual desire is a God-given part of our biology, and there is a natural biological basis for our sexual feelings. They are intended by God, in the context of a loving marriage, for procreation and pleasure. We should never be afraid or ashamed of natural physical attraction and desire."
- Emotional - "It is a matter of ever-deepening intimacy. It demands that we are honest with our husband or wife and that we seek be 'present' with them."
- Relational - (philia) friendship between husband and wife. Tips for demonstrating friendship:
- Affirm each other in their presence.
- Don't be afraid to fight in front of them.
- Play together.
- Be affectionate with each other.
- Have a spiritual life together.
- Complement each other
- Have other friends besides your spouse.
- Personal - How do we relate to ourselves? "Having a healthy sexual relationship in marriage requires that inner wounds be addressed and healed."
- Spiritual - (agape) "The spiritual discipline of working to keep God in the center of the relationship. Do we know how to pray together, study Sciprture together, and talk together about God?"
Checklist for Demonstrating Intimacy
- Talk with your kids, not at them. Be a good listener.
- Don't demand that your kids answer your questions. Give them freedom to talk when they feel safe to do so.
- Admit to your kids when you have been wrong. Don't model blaming behavior in front of them. Accept responsibility. Model how to make changes and/or restitution for mistakes you have made. Children will respect a person who knows how to admit failure and is willing to make changes.
- Talk with your kids about your feelings. Describe to them times when you have been angry, lonely, frightened, or sad. Don't expect them to "fix" your feelings.
- Allow your children to be angry with you. Teach them how to do this in acceptable ways that are not damaging to you or others. Model healthy expressions of anger in ways that are neither physically violent nor emotionally dramatic.
- When your children are sad, lonely, frightened, don't try to talk them out of it or solve their problems for them. Listen, listen, listen!
- Demonstrate problem-solving skills to your kids. Help them define the true nature of problems, show them alternative solutions, and teach them a process for reaching a decision. Allow them to fail at their decisions as long as that failure won't bring about permanent consequences.
Principles for Healthy Conversation
Listen, especially for the hidden questions: Try to get to the questions behind the question.
Good conversation starter questions:
- How do you feel when you see that?
- What do you think that means?
- Have others been talking to you about these things?
- That's a really good question.
- That reminds me of a time when I was your age.
- That takes me back to some real confusion I had.
- That must be really hard to understand.
Emphasive the positives.
- "Mommy, the women on the magazine cover are in their underwear."
- "You're really observant. That does seem to be true." :-)
Never talk about something you are trying to teach when you are angry: Kids will pick up on the tone of the teaching more than anything else.
Don't put off an answer forever
It's not a bad strategy to take time to think about an answer to an awkward question. It allows the couple a time to confer about an appropriate answer and then talk to their child together.
Be direct when asked simple questions. Answer them immediately. Delaying a response only serves to increase a child's curiosity and the sense of danger and mystery surrounding sex.
Don't force your kids to talk
Tell stories
Be willing to to tell your own story: Share your own struggles, past doubts, fears and confusions, when they are healthy and helpful.
Be aware of how your own story affects you: If you've experienced particular pain may cause fear to rise up or cause you to freeze. Be ready of this.
Use teachable moments
Talk to your kids together
Admit your mistakes: Don't hide what you did wrong. Share when it is appropriate and share your hopes for your kids to not have to experience that.