The Whole-Brain Child

what we want to do for each of our kids: help their brain become more integrated so they can use their mental resources to full capacity. (Location 259)

you can facilitate integration so that the separate parts become better connected and work together in powerful ways. This isn’t making your children grow up more quickly—it’s simply helping them develop the many parts of themselves and integrate them. (Location 281)

when a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs. We call this emotional connection “attunement,” which is how we connect deeply with another person and allow them to “feel felt.” When parent and child are tuned in to each other, they experience a sense of joining together. Tina’s approach with her son is one that we call the “connect and redirect (Location 481)

some of the best conversations with children take place while something else is happening. Children are much more apt to share and talk while building something, playing cards, or riding in the car than when you sit down and look them right in the face and ask them to open up. (Location 539)

This is what storytelling does: it allows us to understand ourselves and our world by using both our left and right hemispheres together. To tell a story that makes sense, the left brain must put things in order, using words and logic. The right brain contributes the bodily sensations, raw emotions, and personal memories, so we can see (Location 550)

the whole picture and communicate our experience. This is the scientific explanation behind why journaling and talking about a difficult event can be so powerful in helping us heal. In fact, research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere. (Location 552)

The drive to understand why things happen to us is so strong that the brain will continue to try making sense of an experience (Location 559)

until it succeeds. As parents, we can help this process along through storytelling. (Location 560)

When we can give words to our frightening and painful experiences—when we literally come to terms with them—they often become much less frightening and painful. (Location 611)

When we help our children name their pain and their fears, we help them tame them. (Location 612)

A parent who recognizes an upstairs tantrum is left with one clear response: never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairs tantrum calls for firm boundaries and a clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. (Location 783)

it’s important to follow through on those consequences if the behavior doesn’t stop. (Location 788)

Since upstairs tantrums are intentional, children will stop returning to that particular strategy when they learn that it’s ineffective—and often even leads to negative results. (Location 792)

toddler becomes so angry that you poured water on his head to wash his hair that he begins screaming, throwing toys out of the tub, and wildly swinging his fists, trying to hit you. In this case, the lower parts of his brain—in particular his amygdala—take over and hijack his upstairs brain. He’s not even close to being in a state of integration. In fact, the stress hormones flooding his little body mean that virtually no part of his higher brain is fully functioning. As a result, he’s literally incapable—momentarily, at least—of controlling his body or emotions, and of using all of those higher-order thinking skills, like considering consequences, solving problems, or considering others’ feelings. He’s flipped his lid. (Location 794)

Whereas a child throwing an upstairs tantrum needs a parent to quickly set firm boundaries, an appropriate response to a downstairs tantrum is much more nurturing and comforting. As in the “connect and redirect” technique we discussed in chapter 2, the first thing a parent needs to do is to connect with the child and help him calm himself down. This can often be accomplished through loving touch and a soothing tone of voice. Or, (Location 803)

Your discipline can now maintain your authority—that’s crucial—but you can do so from a more informed and (Location 816)

compassionate position. (Location 817)

And your child is more likely to internalize the lesson because you’re teaching it when his brain is more receptive to learning. (Location 817)

Every time we say “Convince me” or “Come up with a solution that works for both of us,” we give our kids the chance to practice problem solving and decision making. We help them consider appropriate behaviors and consequences, and we help them think about what another person feels and wants. All because we found a way to engage the upstairs, instead of enraging the downstairs. (Location 886)

let your children wrestle with the decision and live with the consequences. (Location 908)

Whenever you can do so responsibly, avoid solving and resist rescuing, even when they make minor mistakes or not-so-great choices. (Location 908)

Teach them to take a deep breath, or count to ten. Help them express their feelings. Let them stomp their feet or punch a pillow. You can also teach them what’s happening in their brains when they feel themselves losing control—and how to avoid “flipping their lid. (Location 913)

Why do you think you made that choice? What made you feel that way? Why do you think you didn’t do well on your test—was it because you were hurrying, or is this just really difficult material? (Location 920)

When your child is old enough to be able to write—or even just draw—you might give him a journal and encourage daily writing or drawing. This ritual can enhance his ability to pay attention to and understand his internal landscape. (Location 930)

The more your kids think about what’s going on within themselves, the more they will develop the ability to understand and respond to what’s going on in (Location 932)

the worlds within and around them. (Location 933)

Simply by drawing your child’s attention to other people’s emotions during everyday encounters, you can open up whole new levels of compassion within them (Location 938)

The more you give your child’s upstairs brain practice at thinking of others, the more capable he will be of having compassion. (Location 941)

challenge your children to think about how they act, and to consider the implications of their decisions. In doing so, you give your kids practice thinking through moral and ethical principles, which, with your guidance, will become the foundation for the way they make decisions for the rest of their lives. (Location 950)

a lot of the emotion we feel actually begins in the body. (Location 977)

Just recounting basic facts like this helps develop your child’s memory and prepares her for interacting with more significant memories down the road. (Location 1340)

one of the best things you can do is to talk to him and help him retell the story of that experience. (Location 1368)