Today we're talking about friendship from the book of Proverbs
- Next month, Community
Goal is not to gain more knowledge, but change how we live, and the only way we do that is by putting it into PRACTICE
- Today is going to be interactive: meditate on your friendships and yourself as a friend
- TASK: Write down a list of people you consider to be closest friends. Work on this while I'm talking through this introduction.

Friendship is essential

We often think of friendship, particularly in our culture, as an optional thing that makes life sweeter, like having a high-paying job, your sports team winning the national championship, or living in a beautiful land.
It's not optional, it's essential for living wisely
In fact, you might think of friendship as FIRST in importance
- Proverbs and Psalms 1 are books that teach us about wisdom: listen to how each of them opens
  - Proverbs: "for gaining understanding and instruction", "listen to your father's instruction"
    - "My son, if sinful men entice you, do not consent. ...Do not walk in the way with them, keep your foot from their path"
      - Be careful who you sp
  - Psalms: "Blessed is the man who"
    - "walks not in the counsel of the ungodly"
      - COUNSEL - we're going to come back to that
    - "nor stands in the way of sinners"
      - Remember Proverbs - "do not walk in the way with them!"
    - "nor sits in the seat of scoffers"
- Both Proverbs and Psalms START with "who are you spending time with?", "who are you GOING with?", "who are you listening to?"
  - As if to say: get this right, and all the rest will be much easier
- Clearly healthy friendships are vital for WISDOM and living the BLESSED LIFE
Jesus also elevated FRIENDSHIP to the greatest of loves: "greater love has no man than this that he lay down his life for his friends"
- He called his disciples "friends" during the last supper, not "servants"
Clearly friendship has this central place in the Christian life and a life of WISDOM and BLESSEDNESS but like LOVE, I think we're often confused about friendship.

In my own life, I've had to learn the hard way about friendship

Don's 3 ways of learning wisdom
- I had to walk the third route
I'm going to share a bit about my journey in friendship today
- You can experience the 2nd way of learning today by learning from my mistakes!
When I was 25 years old, I had one of those days that forever alters your life, that you never forget
- Some of you may know that I was married to someone else before I married Elizabeth, and a few of you know the story of what happened.
- I had been married for about 3 years, and I was in Chapel Hill in grad school at UNC
  - My wife sat me down and explained to me that she had been having an affair over the summer with a man she had met through work and she did not want to be married to me any more.
- I was shattered. I had not seen this coming at all. There hadn't been any fighting or frustration that I was aware of. I had been busy with work all summer and into the fall, but this was a complete shock to me.
- Who do you call when that happens?
  - I didn't know.
    - I had been a member of Chapel Hill Bible Church for about a year, had played ultimate frisbee with some guys, had dinner with them, etc.
    - I hadn't kept up with any one from college, much less high school.
  - So I made a list of nine guys and got together with each one of them.
    - Basically, based on recency.
  - If something like that happened to you, would you call first?
    - TASK: Look down at your list. It's right in front of you. I'd like you to actually write down an ordering: 1 2 3 4. Who would you call? How would they respond?
8 of them completely bailed on me. They couldn't handle it.
- My instinct to reach out was right on:
  - Prov 17:7 says "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."
    - I needed a friend!
- These friendships had no depth.
- They were based purely on shared interests: church, ultimate frisbee, video games, movies, sports, whatever.
- They were acquaintances, not friends.

Proverbs teaches that FRIENDSHIPS SHOULD BE CHOSEN

14:7 says "Go from the presence of a foolish man, when you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge."
13:20 says "He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed."
These guys who bailed had no wisdom to offer. I didn't choose them for their wisdom OR knowledge.
- I chose them based on pure coincidence and shared interests.
- These are not bad things, but they are NOT sufficient to choose your friends.
- As I looked back on my life, that was true of all of my friendships. I liked people who liked me and like the things that I liked.
TASK: Look at your list:
- Why did you choose these friends?
- Give your friends a WISDOM and a KNOWLEDGE score. Do they score highly? Are you the companion of fools?
  - Note he doesn't say SINNERS. Just FOOLS. Most of us avoid SINNERS because we go to church.
  - Remember, FOOLISHNESS is the default. Wisdom has to be earned and learned.
How do you RECOGNIZE WISDOM?
- PRINCIPLE: "When someone tells you who they are, doubt them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
- 20:6 - "Most men will proclaim his own goodness, but who can find a faithful man?"
- A lot of the trouble in my life came from listening to men who "proclaim their own goodness" and not watching closely to see what fruit has been borne in their life.
- Watch your friends lives. Are they making WISE choices? Or are they showing their own FOOLISHNESS?
Another principle: TIERS.
- STORY: I said 8 of the 9 guys bailed.
  - One guy did not, and he faithfully stuck by me: Mike McClure.
  - He met with me at least once a week every week, and there were weeks where we talked on the phone every single day.
  - He introduced me to Danvers ("introduce your friends to your friends").
    - Who is here today!
    - Danvers and I have been friends for over 15 years.
- Danvers introduced me to this idea of FRIENDSHIP TIERS
  - Tier 1, Tier 2, Tier 3
  - Friendship tiers was really off-putting at first. Ranking people seems cold.
- But this is Jesus's model of friendship: tiers
- Jesus did it.
  - Did Jesus choose the first twelve men he came across? No!
  - Among the twelve, he had the three: Peter, James, and John.
- You should do it.
- Who are your "focused few"? Who are your "three"?
  - One of my focused few is Danvers

FRIENDS GO DEEP WITH ONE ANOTHER

At that time, I was shocked into a radical vulnerability.
- I had "verbal diarrhea"
- Like a drowning man reaching for a life preserver, I was desperate for friendship, and so I would share openly my deepest pains and sorrows
- What I received in response from those who had wisdom was good counsel!
- 25:11-12: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear"
- Wise counsel, and even rebuke, was so helpful during that time! I can remember multiple occassions:
  - I found out where the guy lived, and I wanted to go to his house, knock on the door, and then knock the guy out.
    - Mike counseled: that will not repair your marriage. You'll only end up in jail. How will that help anything?
- 27:5-6: "Ointment and perfume delight the heart, and the sweetness of a man's friend gives delight by hearty council."
  - "Faithful are the wounds of a friend but the enemy multiplies kisses."
- Another example: When I started to become close friends with some of the ladies I worked with, my friends called me out: though my marriage was estranged, I was still married.
  - Close friendship with the opposite gender were what landed my wayward wife in the mess she was in. Did I want to repeat her offense?
Look at your list: how many of those friends know you well enough to give you "hearty council" or "wise rebuke"?
- You don't need to tell everybody everything. But you need to tell somebody everything.
- When has any of those friends rebuked you? Never? That should be a signal to you:
  - Either you are not known well enough to be rebuked.
  - Or you don't have wise friends who are capable of loving rebuke.
28:23: "He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterwards than he who flatters with the tongue."
GO FIRST
Another surprise: my vulnerability and openness led to vulnerability from others. I found out that my friends also had troubles in their lives and a need for council. I began to grow in wisdom and my ability to give council.
- At the time, I was desperate enough to be vulnerable. Now, I'm intentionally vulnerable with others to "lead the way" to deeper relationship.
If you want to have close friends, be brave and go first!

FRIENDSHIP IS AN INVESTMENT

Friendship is not free. It costs you in time, money, energy, sleep.
CHRIS HOT TUB SPRING BREAK STORY
- Shortly after I met Danvers, I received a random phone call from a friend from college.
- I had been separated for about 6 months, still trying to pursue marriage and figure things out.
- A "friend" from college whom I had played tennis with a lot
- He was locked out of his house, naked in the hot tub, waiting for his housemates to get back from Bible Study and let him inside.
  - Scrolling his phone to see who he should call and was prompted to call me.
    - Hadn't spoken in at least a year or two
- I told him I'd really love to spend time with him and invited him to NC for Spring Break. He bought a plane ticket and came - spending the whole week with me. Our friendship went DEEP that week.
- He invested!
We spend money and time to BE WITH our friends.
- Traveling around the country and the world.
We set aside TIME to talk with them.
- monthly with Chris, bi-weekly with Eric, monthly with Vojto, sometimes daily with Danvers
- lunches, coffees, dinners, retreats, trips
We HELP EACH OTHER
- Do projects together, work together, advise one another, vet things for one another
I KNOW THIS IS HARD.
- It's not natural for me to keep up relationships. I had maintained zero relationships from my home town, from high school, from college.
- I began to value it and invest towards it.
  - DON'T TRUST YOUR FEELINGS
27:10 says "Do not forsake your friend or your father's friend. Nor go to your brother's house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor nearby than a brother far away."
- Don't forsake/neglect your friends. INVEST IN THEM.
- Your brother is required to care for you.
  - FORSAKE means to fail to ask for care.
- "in the day of your calamity" go to a friend first!
- "A neighbor nearby"
  - Many of you have friends that live a long way away
  - You need to make friends NEARBY
  - You can't fulfill the role of a friend purely over the phone.
TASK: Look at your list:
- how often do you get together with those friends?
- how long has it been since you see them?
- who do you need to reconnect with?
- who do you need to ask for help from?

A FRIEND CLOSER THAN A BROTHER

If you have friends, you will still experience betrayal, abandonment, loneliness.
Friends do not insulate you from all trouble in your life.
The night that my ex-wife told me about the affair, I remember being held by God.
Jesus experienced the loss of all his friends.
If you live long enough, your friends may all die.
Friends move, get sick, go overseas, become missionaries, change jobs, get married.
Friendship comes in seasons. It ebbs and flows.
Is Jesus your friend?
But Jesus "will never leave you nor forsake you."
All friendship
18:24: "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Jonathan Edwards: "The enjoyment of God is our proper; and is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Better than fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of any, or all earthly friends. These are but shadows; but the enjoyment of God is the substance. These are but scattered beams; but God is the sun. These are but streams; but God is the fountain. These are but drops, but God is the ocean."

like all GOOD things here on earth, we are called to look THROUGH earthly friendship to FRIENDSHIP WITH GOD HIMSELF.
- scattered beams, streams, just a drop in the bucket
proper worship allows us to look THROUGH the good to the ULTIMATE GOOD.
And so, I can honestly say to my friends "I thank my God for you."
look at your list: how many of you wrote Jesus?

Friendship as wise living
Friendship has a practice
Jesus in friendship
Friendship is something that must be learned

You don't need to tell everybody everything. But you need to tell somebody everything.

Okay, so today we're going to talk about friendship from the Proverbs. So friendship is one way that we choose to live wisely and follow the commands of scripture. Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of friendship through his relationship with the twelve disciples. While we hear things like Jesus is a friend of sinners and Jesus is a friend of all, he also was specifically friends with twelve men.

And of those twelve, he was even closer with three of them. In fact, one of them is often referred to in the scriptures as the disciple whom Jesus loved. So Jesus was friended, loved close dearly, and spent more time with and investing in relationship with a few.

And in the same way, we will have that choice in our lives. I want you to take a moment now and write down the names of five people that you consider to be friends. And we're going to evaluate those friendships today and hopefully learn what it might look like to grow in depth in friendship.

In my own life, I have learned about friendship the hard way.

As Don pointed out at the beginning of this study of Proverbs, there are different ways that we can acquire wisdom.

And the hardest way of acquiring wisdom is through making the wrong choice and learning that it was wrong. And I think that's the way that I've learned about wisdom.

So I'm going to share a little bit about my personal story as I go through it.

Friendship, I guess a couple of points we'll talk about friendship today.

Friendship from the Proverbs

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Friendship from the Proverbs